Weeeeelllccommeeeeuhhh. To officially introduce myself, my name is Diane BigfacePonyLegs KrumpKing SoFlyDiva-Drangel. Feel free to use any/all of those names in addressing me. Unlike my compatriot Sunshine, I do not have any fantasies of being interviewed. In fact, the thought of being asked personal questions, inevitably losing the ability to properly form sentences/breathe regularly, and thus becoming the laughing stock of the entire world (oh, in this fantasy, I am a movie star. Maybe I forgot to mention that.) gives me some major hives.
Ergo, I turn to a format with which I am significantly more comfortable: the Facebook. Having spent countless hours stalking randos, former classmates, current classmates, friends of friends (I’m really not picky (Oh God that makes me sound like the creepiest person in the world (I swear I’m just socially incompetent (wordvomit wordvomit hahhallala)))), I feel confident in my ability to aptly portray myself through the questions asked by the comfortingly-anonymous internet:
Employers: At times I wish I lived in a real college town so I could get a job at a pizza parlor with a pun in the name and be really cool and maybe wear rollerskates and scrunchies and acid-wash cutoffs while waitressing and calling all the locals by name? I think I just combined like 4 different movies in my head to create a clusterfuck of bad sartorial decisions. Instead, I give tours maybe once a semester.
Education: a teeny tiny liberal arts college rife with hipsters and bros and weed and dysfunction. It is as it sounds.
I’m already getting tired of typing so I’m going to skip the remaining questions. I realize I only answered 2 of them, and they should’ve been one-word answers. Shut up.
Simply put, Diane Drangel likes: pictures of cats, musicals involving cats, humans dressed as cats, glitter, magic wands, weirdly-flavored tofu, day drinking (preferred drank: ginandjuice with a twirly-straw), drag queens, badly-written television shows with very, very little viewership, feminism, Shetland ponies and people who resemble Shetland ponies, red pepper flakes on all of the foods, making nicknames for people that involve comparing them to an animal, plant or object, speaking in weirdo voices that instantly render other people uncomfortable
Diane Drangel no like: actual cats in real life, normal human foods like tomatoes, un-melted cheese, fish, condiments, salad dressing, and meat that isn’t completely charred (maybe I like the taste of carcinogens, yo, get off my back), getting my picture taken.